Illustration: Emma Erickson
Hi, Emily,
I have a conundrum that you may be especially equipped to address. I’m publishing a book of essays next year that includes many anecdotes relating to casual sex, moderate drug use, and just existing as a sexual being in general. (Obviously there would be no essays if I just stayed in and watched Cheers.) My very supportive mother is thrilled for my success in this creative endeavor that I’ve been slowly working at for 15 years, which, of course, I greatly appreciate. She also has no real insight into the contents of the book. (She’s read a couple of PG pieces.) However, she has since spammed the family with all the news, announcements, and a write-up from the publisher that I sent her. A lot of these family members are culturally conservative, all married by, like, 22 to the first man they ever dated. My mom definitely doesn’t think I’m a nun, but I think she will still be surprised when she reads it. All of my anxiety about never publishing a book has now been replaced by anxiety that I am publishing this book and my grandmother will read about me getting railed. Should I clue my mom in to the subject matter so she’s at least prepared? Or is it too late — the cat’s out of the bag and my boomer relatives can just deal with it? I should note that I am in my late 30s and feel slightly insane worrying about other adults reading about sex!
Thank you!
Not a Nun
Dear Not a Nun,
Well, the book is being published, and all kinds of people — not just your family members — are going to have all kinds of different responses to it, some unexpected and some predictable. That’s just part of what you signed on for, though I completely understand that it feels different now that you’re on the precipice of putting it out there into the world. When I published my first book of essays, I wasn’t prepared for the complex mix of emotions that my close friends and family members would experience when they read it. I hadn’t given anyone a heads-up except one friend with whom I’d shared a draft. I took that friend’s notes about what not to include without balking at any of them because I understood that our shared story was a sensitive one for her. And still, part of me wished I hadn’t written about our friendship at all. When you write about relationships, you change those relationships; it’s an inevitability.
I didn’t think to extend the same courtesy I extended to my friend to my parents. I almost felt that I couldn’t — because if they objected to anything I’d written, I’d end up feeling that I was bowdlerizing my work if I wound up changing anything to please them or, alternatively, guilty for knowing beforehand that I was going against their wishes. So I just let the whole thing be a surprise.
In retrospect, this was the wrong decision. If I’d shared a draft with my family, I could have made informed choices about what not to include based on their feelings. It would have been hard, and I might have ended up changing nothing. But we could have had the difficult conversations we wound up having after the book was published in advance, saving us all a lot of heartache when the book came out and it was too late to change anything. Back then, I was a lot more cavalier about including other people’s personal details in what I considered to be “my story.” If I could change a few details I included in that book, mostly about a period of difficulty in my parents’ marriage, I absolutely would go back in time and do so.
Your situation is slightly different, of course. But I think you do owe your mom and maybe some other close family members a heads-up about whatever it is in the book you think might distress them, just to get the awkwardness out of the way. That way, you’ll be dictating the terms of the conversation, and they’ll feel included in your journey. They might be more inclined to see things from your point of view if they hear it from you first rather than reading it along with everyone else who reads your book. And especially since your mom has been doing freelance PR for the book, it seems wise to be in touch with everyone she has spammed with a quick, clear email that lets them know that, while they might find parts of the book offensive, you feel strongly about your right and need to tell your story the way it happened, not the way they might wish it would have happened. But — and this is important — also make sure to say that you love them very much and that your love isn’t contingent on whether or not they approve of your behavior. You can also offer them the option of not reading the book if they think it might upset them. Some of them might go ahead and read it anyway, but if you let them know you’re not going to be offended if they don’t read it, at least they won’t feel any pressure to do so!
Above all, you have my utmost sympathy, respect, and solidarity. Writing in the first person is a tough business. I bet you know this already, but other people’s reactions to your work are not your responsibility or your problem. You can’t control what other people think, and not everyone will like what you have to say. But the readers you wrote the book for will ultimately be grateful for your honesty and openness, and that’s why you’re putting yourself on the line like this. When you get positive feedback from strangers, print it out and put it in a folder that you keep nearby, and open the folder when you get negative responses — to remind yourself of why you made the choices you’ve made. It’s a little bit corny, but it really helps.
Also helpful: finding a good therapist, if you don’t already have one. I know “Seek therapy” is the most clichéd thing an advice columnist could ever say, but in this case I think it’s really important. This is going to be an incredibly emotionally challenging time, and you need an objective third party to vent to about everything that’s about to happen. And you also need someone in your corner whom you can crow about success to when that happens! Your friends might be supportive, but some will have their own baggage about your book, and it can really help to be able to straight-up brag without having to couch what you’re saying in polite false modesty. With a support system in place, I hope you’ll sail through the publication of your book with as little drama as possible and go on to fearlessly write more of them in the future. I wish you luck and strength!
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