Authors are jotting down astute comments about their work, critics are rehearsing the best ways to stroke their chins, and hotels and restaurants are stocking up on food and, of course, drink.
Most of the panel discussions at such places feature topics of deep and abiding literary interest. Questions of genre, the significance of the classics, the meaning of poetry, and the timelessness of Shakespeare are mulled over with seriousness and insight. This is all very well when it comes to the elevated plane of literature, but the problem is that there are too few discussions on reading and writing in the real world.
Here, then, as a festival outsider offering a free public service, are some topics to make such events even more relevant to the age we live in.
No Reading Time
This will be a session on the impossibility of finding time to read nowadays. Participants will compare heights of to-be-read piles, discuss the number of followers they have on social media, and reveal the titles of upcoming Netflix shows they plan to binge-watch. If time permits, they will also share helpful words and phrases that can be used to describe books without actually having to read them, such as “tour de force”, “impeccably researched and brilliantly argued”, and “swoon-worthy”.
Local Food and Drink Special
Let’s face it. Festival-going can be tiring work, what with navigating crowds, not finding a place to sit, and discovering that one ought to have worn that woollen scarf, after all. That is why this helpful panel will feature chefs and food writers who will chat about which part of the festival grounds to visit for the best food, the nearest café to slip away to, and where to get a drink after the usual establishments have put up closed signs.
Manuscript Central
A feature of some literary festivals is that agents, publishers, and those with serious beards are waylaid by aspiring writers and asked for advice, not to mention an advance. To make life easier for all concerned, this panel will have agents and publishers sitting around a large filing cabinet. No one will speak, but prospective authors from the audience will be invited to walk up one by one (no pushing, please) and slip their manuscripts into the cabinet before tiptoeing away. E-mail addresses shall be distributed to those without hard copies.
Striking Poses
Another panel for the benefit of hopeful litterateurs. This one will feature published authors speaking about a crucial aspect of their trade: The photograph that appears on the book jacket. All points will be covered, including the necessity of small pets, the importance of props, and whether one ought to look directly at the camera or gaze wistfully into the distance.
Question Time
Many people have observed that when a moderator turns to the audience to ask if they have any questions, there are always a few respondents who awake from slumber and launch into interminable monologues. With the help of advanced facial recognition technology, such individuals shall be identified and then asked to appear on a special panel during which they can ask each other questions without bothering to pause for answers.
Book Blurb Bingo
An interactive event with free refreshments that’s sure to be a crowd puller. Panellists will read blurbs from a stack of newly published titles, and the audience will have to down shots every time words such as “epic”, “lyrical” and “unflinching” are mentioned.
Distraction Guaranteed
In this session, members of the panel will be asked to speak for only 280 seconds at a time. In between, there will be pauses during which everyone will be free to stare at their phones and post photographs on social media if they like. The audience will also be urged not to put their phones on silent mode so that the pleasing sounds of new notifications and calls can fill up the auditorium.
The Joys of Diversity
An assorted group of people from various countries will emphasise the importance of diversity in writing and publishing. The conversation will largely be in English, and attention will be paid to panelists with the most impressive accents.
Celebrity Circus
One of the many attractions of such festivals is spotting celebrities of all stripes, some of them even clutching books. To promote visibility, such luminaries will be asked to appear together on a special panel during which they will pose for selfies, give autographs and bestow winning smiles upon the audience. Though not compulsory, they will also be free to utter the occasional quote or practiced witticism for the benefit of journalists present.
Sanjay Sipahimalani is a Mumbai-based writer and reviewer.
Read his columns here.
